Identities, the Mustard Seed

Identities: The Making from a Mustard Seed.

1.8 mm. I sense my neighboring plants chide me for my small size, for my lack of usefulness. I am still here, invisible but present. Yet, this glow, this warmth, radiates and illuminates my being. Does it not sense my inadequate size? Yet, it still shines, it still feeds. Guilt, I feel guilt as I feed on the warm caressing rays and enjoy the rays dissolving into my being.

Hands slightly clammy I walk through the hospital’s automatic off white-bordered translucent screened doors. A fresh breeze of air splashes against my face and my heart simultaneously plummets into the pit of my stomach. I continue reciting my Clinical foundation notes. ‘This is my first interview, relax you are JUST starting off this is great practice. You are here for a reason; work towards this goal and interviewing should come naturally…?’ My thoughts conjoin as I steer left and prepare myself to enter room 10 to talk with my patient. My patient?

Hola, Soy un estudiante de medicina de primer año …. My voice trails off as I finally look into my patient’s eyes. Hope? Doubt? Gratitude? Fear? I do not understand the emotions I perceive my patient expressing but I am no stranger to the voice inside me probing me to ask her if I am doing all right. Is she comfortable? Does she understand that only hours prior to meeting her I learned how to read an EKG for the first time? I sense my left foot overstepping my right and my right simultaneously stepping forward. Quickly catching my fall I nervously apologize and ask her to lay in a supine position.

The rain is overwhelming; I feel it hitting me in all directions. Every part of me is at work, my central command creating new pathways to promote my growth. How can something so vital to my growth as a seed at times feel so overbearing? The reactions taking place as water traverses my inner stem to provide nutrients to my being. Although I know exactly what is going on as I start to sprout can I truly explain it? Warm Rain.

But notwithstanding are my glorious rays… shining, although at times the lack of shade induces a few burns, I continue to feed. This morning the encounter with my rays resulted in my central stem twisting to the right to feed my posterior. From that encounter I learned how to adapt to the rays’ uni-directionality. I am learning. I am creating my identity from my daily encounters with my rays. Creation is the first step to an identity. Through my encounters with my rays I am becoming.

No longer do I feel like an imposter, taking, knowing I have not much to give. Instead I now know the synergistic relationship I have with my rays. Although I am still a relatively small seed, I have grown to 4.8 mm in size. Minuscule to my neighboring flowers but growth has taken place.

As I listen to my patient’s history, I am restating the questions to ask in my head. The material is overwhelming. I feel it hitting me in all directions. Pause, silence? Flustered I quickly look up onto my patients almond shaped face. A smile? I ask her if she is alright. “Si”.

…. Although again what could I do if she weren’t. I am only a first year medical student.

..

To be continued.